


You're the Feeling I'm Missing

by sheesusnat



Category: One Direction (Band), Shawn Mendes (Musician)
Genre: Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension, emotionally repressed boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-01 21:16:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20264629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheesusnat/pseuds/sheesusnat
Summary: Shawn knows he lives a charmed life, and this celebration is nothing if not an exclamation point on the statement.Something is off, though. Something is missing.Someoneis missing.





	You're the Feeling I'm Missing

Shawn blinks bleary eyes at his watch, but the hands remain blurry and out of focus. He knows it's sometime after midnight, but through the haze of singing and music and more shots and drinks than he can count, there's no way he can figure out what the hour is. The party is still raging up on the roof, but Shawn came inside to get a moment of quiet. 

He should be enjoying himself; he  _ is _ enjoying himself. His family is here, his friends are here, his  _ girlfriend _ is here. His phone has been pinging with birthday wishes all day, from other musicians and from fans, from people he knows well and hundreds that he's never met. He's in the middle of a world tour that's seen him headlining arenas across the globe. Shawn knows he lives a charmed life, and this celebration is nothing if not an exclamation point on the statement.

Something is off, though. Something is missing.

_ Someone _ is missing.

The Facetime tone chimes before he realizes that he's tapped the icon. It rings two times, then a third, and on the fourth he thinks he should hang up. It's too late to be calling—though even if it's 2 am here in New York, it's not even midnight in LA. He's called later than this before. But he should probably hang up anyway; he's too drunk for this, he'll say something stupid.

"Shawnie boy," a cheerful Irish accent calls when it stops ringing. Shawn looks at his screen to find Niall grinning widely at him. "Aren't you supposed to be living it up over there?"

"I am!" Shawn insists, and it might be a little defensive. "I just wanted to take a break. It's loud up there."

Niall chuckles and ruffles a hand idly over his hair. "Oh but you've definitely tied one on tonight. I can smell the liquor through the phone."

"You shoulda come tonight," Shawn blurts out. He immediately regrets it. Niall was busy today. He had...stuff to do. Shawn can't remember what stuff, not this many drinks in, but he knows Niall had something important to do. "I wanna celebrate with you."

Niall is still smiling and his eyes are lit with amusement. "Ah, you know I would've been there if I could, but I had to intro the new tunes."

Right, right. He had new music to share. And Shawn wants people to hear his music. Niall's music is  _ so good _ .

"Thanks, Shawnie." Niall lets out a huff of a laugh, and with a start Shawn realizes he said that aloud. "Quite a compliment coming from you."

"You should come see a show," Shawn says next, unable to grab a single thread of the conversation to hold onto. "I wanna sing all these songs for you."

"You sang all these songs for me before you even recorded them, lad," Niall reminds him, and he's right, of course. Shawn always likes to share his songs with Niall first, to see what he thinks of them, if he likes them. "I've heard them all a hundred times."

"No no no," Shawn insists, trying to enunciate, though the alcohol is making his lips feel funny. "I wanna sing 'em  _ for _ you."

"You don't need to be singing anything for me.” The smile on Niall's face has gone soft, the crinkle in his eyes has deepened. “I imagine that would cause a little jealousy."

Shawn blinks in confusion at his phone. Jealousy? Who would be jealous?

Oh. Camila. 

"I didn't write 'em for her," Shawn replies as if it makes all the sense in the world.

"I don't recommend telling her that, aye?" Niall's looking a little pinched now, and Shawn notices what's happening behind him on the screen. Niall's not at home, and he's not alone. He's at a party, Shawn can hear the music in the background. "You don't gotta sing them for me, but I'll try to make it out to a show."

"Come see me in Toronto," Shawn insists, and in this moment it's the most important thing in the world. He's gonna do a concert in Toronto, at home. He's gonna play to the same sold out arena where he's watched hockey and basketball games, where he's seen concerts of artists he loves. He's going to have his family there, he's going to have his city behind him. He wants Niall to be there too. It's not the same without Niall. "It'll be the biggest show. You've gotta come."

"I'll check my schedule, Shawnie." Niall runs his fingers through his hair and then pets it down to tame it. It's a nervous tic that Shawn is used to seeing. It always makes him wanna play with Niall's hair too. He hopes he didn't say that part out loud.

"—but I'll probably have promo to do," Niall finishes, and Shawn realizes that somewhere along the way he got lost in the conversation.

"But look. Niall, here's the thing. I wanna sing the songs for you," he pleads. "I wanna sing these songs— _ these songs— _ for you, at home. Come on. It's one night."

Niall is still smiling but it looks forced now. "Mate, we'll talk about it later. You've had a lot to drink and you've got a party to get back to—"

"You know I didn't make those songs for her," Shawn interrupts, but Niall just barrels along.

"—and a girlfriend who is looking for you," Niall adds, pointedly. "And if I know your sister correctly, Aaliyah's gonna show up any minute now and give you shit for bailing on your own 21st."

"But Niall—"

"Shawnie, go back to your party."

_ But the songs, Niall. The songs. They're for you. I wrote them for you. _

Shawn somehow manages to not actually say that part out loud. "Tell me you'll come see a show."

"I'll see a show, okay? I don't know which one, but I'll come see a show."

"I miss you."

Niall is back to smiling now, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He looks a little sad. "You're drunk, mate. Make sure you have lots of water."

"No,  _ Niall _ . I miss you. I do. I always do."

"Shawn," Niall says, and this time it's not a request. "Go back to your party, find a big bottle of water and drink all of it. Have a fun night."

"It'd be better with you here."

"Not sure that's true, lad." There's just the faintest ghost of a grin on Niall's lips now. "Not sure it's true."

They stare at each other from opposite sides of their phone screens, from opposite coasts of the US, with thousands of miles and so many unspoken words between them. Shawn wants to say more, wants to tell him everything, but his mouth isn't working right anymore.

"Happy birthday, Shawnie," Niall finally says, his voice bright. It's a stark contrast to the furrow of his brow.

Shawn doesn't say anything else, he just nods once and wiggles the fingers of his free hand in a half-hearted wave before he ends the call. The bass line of whatever song is playing pounds the walls around him, just loud enough that Shawn can't hear himself think, can't make sense of anything in his head. 

It's a party. It's his birthday. He should be happy.

He  _ is _ happy. 

Or at least he's gonna make damn sure he looks like it.

____

Niall tucks his phone back into his pocket and lets out a hiss of breath; the Capitol Records party that he's at is still going strong behind and around him, but he's all wrapped up in the conversation he just maneuvered his way out of.

It's a poorly kept secret, the inspiration for Shawn's last album. Niall has had mutual friends quiz him on it and he has to pretend he doesn't know what they're talking about. In private, though, Niall notices the echoes of familiarity that ring in his ears when he listens to it. And he's listened to it  _ plenty _ of times.

There are words that cut right through him, that make his pulse ratchet up, that twist in his stomach. They don't talk about it, they never have, because talking about it is too intense. There's too much vulnerability in speaking; singing is a different beast, though. Behind the protective shield of a guitar riff or the melodic press of a piano's keys it's easy to express what you're feeling, in a way you never could if you had to stand face-to-face and lay the cards on the table.

_ You know I didn't make those songs for her. _

Niall does his best to ignore the way his chest tightens when he listens to some of those songs. Some are playful, they feel like the beginning of a friendship, of a relationship, and he can put dates and memories to most of them. Though Niall always wants to tell people that it wasn't Japan where Shawn offered to meet him—it was Rio de Janeiro—but "Lost in Japan" is a better song title and lyric. And when he hears "Nervous" he's reminded of them sitting in a Starbucks the morning after the AMAs. They were both nursing hangovers and even through the headache, Niall noticed the shy tilt of Shawn's head while they talked. 

And then Shawn sent him the cassette and player when he released "If I Can't Have You" and the very first line burned in his throat as he sang along. 

_ I can't write one song that's not about you. _

But he knows there's more to it; there are other songs that are haunted with melancholy and longing. Niall knows that they don't make sense together, not really. They're peers and they work in the same industry, with many of the same friends, and that makes it so easy to fall deeper into this with him, but it also makes everything so much more complicated when he's trying to avoid just that. "Perfectly Wrong" sums them up in a way that makes his heart sink. Niall feels exposed when he listens to "Why;" he can hear his own words there, playing it off as just friendship anytime it comes up in interviews, and it flays him open to hear from Shawn's side how it feels to hear Niall singing, how he wonders if Niall is singing about him. 

_ I wish that I could tell you that you're all that I want. _

It mimics their history, the bright and wide eyed thrill of finding a kindred spirit at the start, the easy flirtation before it became difficult and coded and hard to hide their feelings. Niall has heard all the lyrics, has felt them like a shock of electricity, and if he lets Shawn put real words to it, if he lets Shawn tell him that the songs are for  _ him _ , he won't be able to mask his reaction. He won't be able to hide behind the ambiguity any longer. If he lets Shawn tell the truth, he has to admit that it's exactly what he wants to hear. 

_ It'd be better with you here. _

Niall tamps down the traitorous little ember of hope that goes alight whenever Shawn threatens to break that fourth wall, whenever he comes close to taking away any doubt about how he feels. There's so much at stake; professionally, of course, neither Niall nor Shawn has any desire to discuss their sexuality with the world.

It's one thing for either of them to date a fellow musician who is a woman, for Niall to be seen with Hailee or for Shawn to be with Camila, those things are expected of them. Those relationships bring their own scrutiny, but they alleviate the stress of someone  _ knowing _ , of someone  _ finding out _ . Regardless of how many rainbow flags are waved, no matter how many corporations jump on the Pride bandwagon, being out is complicated. Being out as a celebrity is even more complicated, and that complication comes with an audience.

_ I wanna sing the songs for you _ .

Beyond their careers, though, if Shawn tells him explicitly that this album is about him, that the album was  _ for _ him, it will change everything. Their relationship will always be different after that. If it doesn't work, if they can't handle the pressure, they can't go back to just being friends. No longer will Niall be able to call Shawn at 3 in the morning when he's struggling with the wording for a lyric that he can't decipher. Shawn would stop sending Niall a finished song to get his opinion on it. They wouldn't be able to hang out and watch an award show or soccer match. Even now, the weight of unresolved emotions is heavy when they're alone together; if they got together and broke up, they could never go back to the way things are now. And if they do work out...well, Niall hasn't ever really let himself explore that possibility. 

Either way, whether it ends in happiness or tears, whether they have a hideous breakup or fall madly in love with each other, if they actually pull back the curtain and discuss their feelings, everything will change.

Niall isn't sure he wants things to change.

He wanted to be there for Shawn's birthday, wanted to hand him the first beer he was legally allowed to have in the US. He wanted to get drunk with him, happy and numb, swaying together, singing each other's songs with arms thrown around each other's shoulders. He loves Shawn's family and they love him as well. Aaliyah still sends him snaps of Shawn passed out ungracefully on the tour bus, his hair a wild mess of curls over his forehead and his mouth dropped open. Shawn's mum sends him birthday and holiday cards. Shawn's dad tells him what a good influence he is, how good it is that he's in Shawn's life. 

He wonders if they would love him so much if they knew he was head over heels for Shawn.

_ What if my dad is right, when he says that you're the one. _

The line from  _ When You're Ready _ pops into Niall’s head and he shakes it away, refusing to entertain the idea. It's too dangerous, it's too complicated. Shawn is still so young, bright-eyed and naive, with the world wrapped around his pinky. If they tried to make this happen, it would cause problems for both of them, sure, and Niall has been through the grind before. He's seen what his bandmates went through from only rumors, without any confirmation; he knew what kind of ugliness exists among people who claim to be fans. 

Shawn is already seeing some of this while he's dating Camila—Niall knows better than to ask him if it's a genuine relationship or one solely for the PR; he's not sure he wants to know the answer either way—but it would be magnified if he were to be seen with Niall in the same way.

He's doing Shawn a favor to keep this unspoken. Niall knows he's doing the right thing, knows that it's best if they ignore this. They can deal with it on paper, in song, without ever saying the words to each other. It's so much safer this way. Niall turns to rejoin the party he's abandoned, but he stops short.

_ I miss you. I do. I always do. _

It's crazy, and it's stupid, and it doesn't make any sense. Shawn has a girlfriend. Neither Niall nor Shawn are out. It would ruin their friendship. But Niall can't deny the involuntary swoop in his chest when Shawn's name came up for the Facetime request tonight. He can't ignore that, beyond all the worries about consequences, there's a part of him dying to know the  _ what ifs _ . What if it works out? What if they're happy together?

What if he never feels this way about anyone else?

Niall takes his phone out again and taps around to check Shawn's tour schedule. He stares at the Toronto show for a long moment, running his thumb along the bottom edge of his phone while he thinks. He nods once, a silent resolution, and then he books a flight to Toronto for September 5th. He takes a screenshot of the confirmation page and sends it off.

_ I miss you too, Shawnie. Happy birthday. _

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit it feels good to actually FINISH something. Apologies to those of you who follow me for hockey RPF, I swear I will have hockey stuff for you again soon, the summer has done a number on my creative mojo. This is a pairing that I love so very much and this idea was rolling around in my head and I couldn't ignore it. If you want proof of how very obvious these two are about each other just ask and I'll happily link it for you.
> 
> Special thanks to [gettingaphdinlarry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gettingaphdinlarry) for betaing and always to [bananastickers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananastickers) who was completely lost on who these people are but she soldiered through it anyway to help get this ready to share.
> 
> Thank you all for indulging my current Shawn Mendes feels.


End file.
